I’m honored to speak with you today and share what I’ve learned from 20 years of counseling clients. I hope to help you navigate challenging personality types by equipping you with tools so that your feathers might not get as ruffled. I truly believe that feelings are waves of energy we experience in the body.
Let’s talk about toxic people. We all know who they are. I had a girlfriend I used to meet for brunch every few months, and I realized that every time I came home, I had to take Advil. It was a toxic relationship—it wasn’t mutual or reciprocal. She vented to me, and I absorbed it, ending up with a headache. We need to be aware of how difficult people affect our feelings and how we experience them in the body. We can learn to manage those feelings of frustration or irritation, which are normal responses. We’re human, so it’s natural to have these feelings, but we can learn to manage them in a way that serves us and keeps us healthy.
Difficult people also affect our thinking, causing it to become negative, almost like an infection. We can start judging them and become angry, so it’s important to pay attention to our self-talk. In therapy, we talk about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which teaches that our thoughts precede our emotions and behaviors. If we can change our thinking, we can change our feelings and behaviors. Today, I’m going to give you some tools to help with that.
When you have a conflict with someone, there’s an event that occurs, but as Eckhart Tolle explains in The Power of Now and A New Earth, events are neutral. It’s our thinking that makes them positive or negative. We need to be mindful of our perceptions, assumptions, and biases, especially cultural ones, because we all have them. We have a choice in how we respond to these events. We can’t control other people—their responses, behaviors, or actions—but we can control our own. This is where empowerment comes in. The more we work on bettering ourselves, the more skilled we become at dealing with difficult people.
Emotions are a normal response to both our nature and nurture. Sometimes it might seem like someone is overreacting, but it’s often because an event is triggering a well of emotions from past experiences. Meditation is a helpful way to reboot your mind, body, and spirit, clearing your operating system so you don’t feel overwhelmed. It helps you become more aware of the tension in your body, giving you emotional intelligence to recognize when you’re triggered or not in a good space. This allows you to pause and respond differently.
Conflict and stress are opportunities to learn new skills. I love the expression, “Come wind, help my roots grow strong.” Did you know trees need the wind to grow their roots? Similarly, when we deal with difficult people, they help us grow. I had a difficult boss in my twenties who micromanaged and constantly criticized me. It was demoralizing. Eventually, I left that job because it wasn’t a healthy environment for me. In hindsight, I’m grateful for her behavior because it pushed me to start my own business.
Sometimes, anger in difficult people can be diffused by making them feel heard. They may get louder if they don’t feel understood, so while you may not agree with their behavior, reflecting back that you understand their feelings can help. As my business grew, I learned that managing my leadership team was crucial. They were talented, but didn’t always agree with each other or with me. My main job became managing those relationships so everyone felt heard and conflicts were defused. This was key to the success of our organization.
Defensiveness—making excuses—wastes time. We could all save time if we stopped being defensive and took responsibility. I always say healthy self-esteem lies between “diva” and “doormat.” The diva is entitled and disregards others’ boundaries, while the doormat neglects their own. The middle ground is the diplomat, someone who respects both themselves and others. This affects how we communicate.
Narcissists, for example, often have low self-esteem. To compensate, they act arrogant and grandiose, but underneath, they’re insecure. When dealing with a narcissist, I start by acknowledging their importance and intelligence so they don’t feel the need to keep reminding me. It saves time. You can’t argue with them, so it’s better to set realistic expectations. Narcissists aren’t good at empathy, which is part of the problem—they truly can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
How you deal with difficult people depends on the power dynamic. You’ll respond differently to a know-it-all if they’re your child versus your boss. If you’re a supervisor with a budding narcissist on your team, acknowledge their achievements but set boundaries by reminding them of others’ contributions.
I once witnessed a woman at Target screaming at a cashier. He handled it perfectly, remaining professional and calm. When it was my turn, I asked him how he managed to stay so composed, and he said, “I don’t let anyone in my head who isn’t paying rent.” That’s detachment—it’s not about not caring; it’s about not giving someone the power to determine how you feel about yourself.
Procrastinators can be frustrating, and interestingly, many procrastinators are perfectionists. I heard someone say recently, “Done is better than perfect.” That’s wise advice. My friend Ross and I sometimes clash because we both have significant egos. When we argue, he’ll suggest, “Can we reboot?” It requires both of us to let go, but it can help diffuse the situation.
Forgiveness is another tool when dealing with difficult people. Compassion, empathy, and forgiveness free you from anger and keep you from being tethered to the past.
Thank you so much for your time today!
