It is extremely common in my practice for people to begin individual or couples therapy because of relationship issues.  Often, these challenges are related to an imbalance in he relationship between intimacy/connection and individualism/separation.  This imbalance may be the result of issues related to communication, boundaries, self-esteem and power/control differentials. The following are examples of relationships that are not balanced or mutually beneficial.   

Enmeshed Relationship:

Couples that are enmeshed have few outside friends or relationships and spend virtually all of their free time together.  It is a set up for too much dependency and isolation from other sources of support. 

 Disconnected Relationship:

Disconnection is where there is little intimacy or shared time or experiences.  

Power Imbalance:

When there is a power imbalance, one partner has more influence and control than the other, which can be the result of self-esteem issues or in more serious cases-- physical, emotional or verbal abuse.  

Instead of these dysfunctional relationship models, the ideal should be interdependency.  

Interdependent Relationship: 

A balanced relationship is interdependent.  A partner is a whole, complete self (like a circle), and the relationship is where the two circles overlap.  The circles do not eclipse one another, which would involve one partner almost completely overtaking the other and not allowing them to have their own separate life outside of the relationship. Interdependent partners are equal (circles are the same size) and the relationship is mutually supportive.  

Therapists help individuals and couples find this healthy power balance in their relationships.  

Individual psychotherapy can be a place to: 

• Define one’s identity and sense of self
• Practice authentic and assertive self-expression
• Explore your personal boundaries and learn to set healthy limits
• Explore your relationship history with regard to intimacy, commitment, attachment, connection, etc. 

Couples counseling can help you and your partner by: 

• Addressing issues of power, control and respect in your relationship
• Defining boundaries that allow for healthy connection and separation
• Improving communication and conflict resolution skills
• Foster emotional and physical intimacy

We all can benefit from therapy and counseling in our lives--and so can our relationships!  Don't wait until you are in crisis to seek couples counseling.  A little tweak in therapy can get your relationship realigned to promote happiness and success in your life. 

Our environment is a direct reflection of our internal mental health and vice versa. So, if our home is disorganized our minds may feel scattered as well. By purging unneeded items from our homes, it is like deleting files to create disk space on your computer. Suddenly, the whole operating system is more efficient. There is less stuff to manage, tasks take less time because you know where to find things, and this decreases stress and increases your effectiveness personally and professionally. Organization promotes serenity and wellness in your life.

It is important to note that major life transitions can cause changes in your identity, lifestyle and environment. Because life transitions are stressful (even if positive), we may need to pay extra to our homes and environment to create a healthy, restful environment. If we care about ourselves, then we take pride in our homes and take the time to keep them organized.

Organization is a lifestyle that takes discipline, much like practicing proper nutrition or a healthy exercise regimen. Nobody is perfect and there is healthy balance strive towards that is somewhere between messy and compulsively clean. .

Remember, nobody is perfect. We all have some areas of our life that are disorganized, whether it is at home, the office or even our car (for me, it is my purse which is always overflowing with receipts and papers and everything but the kitchen sink). We are all works in progress and are doing the best we can do. It is about creating a lifestyle of discipline. It is a good idea to check in with yourself periodically and give your environment and your mind a good cleaning out. You may want to start small or start with one area of your house (many organization experts suggest starting with your bedroom and closet because that is where you start each day). Also, consider getting the support of a personal organizer or a therapist can help you achieve and maintain good organization, balance and wellness in your life.  

If you have a mental health issue, such as Attention Defecit Disorder, depression or anxiety that is affecting your ability to keep your home organized, consider seeking the help of a therapist.  If you are in the Chicago area, visit www.urbanbalance.com.  Outside Chicago, please visit www.therapists.com.  

Empathy is perhaps the single most important relational skill. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and understand how they might be feeling in a given situation. The ability to listen empathetically - relating to and understanding the perspective, position and feelings of others - is a tremendously important capability.

We don't need to have had the exact same experience or scenario in life to empathize with somebody else. As human beings, we all experience similar feelings of joy, sadness, loss, love, fear, loneliness, pride, shame, guilt, relief, and elation. If we listen in a way that allows us to relate to that common feeling or human experience, we can improve our connections and shared understandings with others.

Empathy does not involve judgment, criticism or opinion. Somebody's feelings may be connected to other past experience, which can cause a larger emotional response that the situation may warrant but feelings are never "wrong." They are a normal response to whatever people have been through and are going through. We can not change or control other people's feelings. But we can help them work through their feelings by letting them experience being heard and validating their emotional responses.

The ability to verbalize our empathic understanding of others can be extremely powerful. It allows the people in our lives to feel heard, known, understood and connected to us. It can diffuse conflict as once people feel heard, they may not feel the need to become defensive or "up the ante" to get their message across.

As part of the human condition, we can all become self-absorbed at times and tend to look at things from our own perspective. Consciously stepping outside of ourselves and putting ourselves in the experiences of others (similar to identifying with a character in a movie) can increase our consciousness, awareness, perspective, and allow us to grow, learn, and develop.

Some people with narcissistic tendencies may have a very limited ability to be empathic. Some people can be so empathic that they overly identify with others and forget to check in with their own feelings and emotional state. We all can work towards a healthy balance of being aware of ourselves and simultaneously empathetically attuned with others. Therapy can also help people achieve this balance.

Mindfully practicing empathy in our relationships with our partners, children, families, colleagues, and strangers can deepen our relationships and improve our lives.

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”~Epictetus

We live in a consumer based, material society that bombards us with messages that what we have is never enough.  We are flooded with messages in the media that we need to purchase products and services in order to attain ideal beauty, a luxurious lifestyle and subsequent love and happiness.  We are trained to believe we are somehow never enough nor do we have enough, which drives us to purchase and consume the material.  This emphasis on what we don’t have can lead us to feel inadequate, inferior and even lower our self-esteem and exacerbate depression and negative thinking.

Negative thinking is a downward spiral that can attract all forms of negativity in our lives through self-fulfilling prophecy.  For example, let’s say somebody believes her home is not adequate to entertain until they have a nicer television and furniture.  Essentially, this means she feels unlovable unless she has this stuff.  She doesn’t invite people over because she is ashamed that she doesn’t have what she thinks she is supposed to have.  Therefore, she doesn’t nurture her friendships in this manner and the friendships start to fade.  The belief that she is unlovable is then reinforced through self-fulfilling prophecy.

A very powerful way to alleviate negative thinking is to consciously practice gratitude.  Instead of looking at what we don’t have, what we need, or what we want, we focus on what we have in a way that is mindful and thankful.  This shift in thinking can cause us to see “the glass half full” rather than “the glass half empty”.  It can help us to focus on the good parts of things, rather than the bad.  This focus on gratitude can cause a profound shift in our lives toward the positive.

There has been a lot of literature in recent years on the “laws of attraction”.  The idea being that our thoughts and beliefs attract people and situations into our lives.  Some believe that by practicing gratitude, we will shift our energy to be more positive and therefore attract more positive opportunities into our lives.  Like attracts like.  We all enjoy being around others who are positive and we can feed off that energy exponentially.

A woman who was having very serious marital problems recently went to volunteer in a 3^rd world country.  When she came back she said, “I have no problems”.  The experience of being of service and giving to those without shifted her to a perspective of gratitude.  She had a new appreciation for all of her blessings in life and her marital challenges were seen in a more clear perspective.

Perhaps all of us can call to mind somebody in our lives or in history who has survived great hardship or adversity but who demonstrates tremendous appreciation for being alive or for blessings many of us take for granted.  Sometimes we all get so caught up in the gerbil wheels of our lives that our focus can become quite self-centered and small.

 Some you can not have ego and gratitude at the same time.  Practicing gratitude can be a way of consciously changing and widening your perspective to one of thanks and appreciation for all that you have.  This can be done during mediation, during prayer, or by using a gratitude journal.

Learn more about the power of gratitude at: www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Power-of-Gratitude -.

How to keep a Gratitude Journal:  http://www.serenejourney.com/2009/03/gratitude-journal-30-days-to-happiness/

Gratitude Journal phone application:  http://happytapper.com/gratitude-journal/

Gratitude mediation: http://www.lestout.com/video/religion-spirituality/spiritual-journeys/gratitude-meditation-deepak-chopra.html. 

Spirituality can be an enormous source of support for many as they move through their life on the road to wellness.

Spirituality is not religion. For some, spirituality is accessed through religion, but this is not true for all. Spirituality can be defined as a sense of peace and serenity, as well as a connectedness with others, with nature and with the world around us. It can be whatever helps us feel grounded, anchored, and supported.

When some people talk about spirituality, they might incorporate belief systems about God. For others, they might understand spirituality through their own higher power, connectedness with the universe, nature, or community.

If you are open to the idea that we are mind, body and spirit, you might reflect on your current spiritual life. Some people access their spirituality through religion or prayer, while others may practice meditation, deep breathing, yoga and mindfulness. Still others connect spiritually with nature through gardening, hiking or running outdoors. Some people find music or art to be a spiritual expression. Others even find spiritual connection through their relationships, volunteer work or anything that is meaningful to them on a deeper level.

Spiritual practices can help alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and be a resource during the process of recovery from addiction. They can be integral in stress management, and in providing reassurance and support that we are not alone and perhaps are all part of a greater plan or system. Spirituality can be useful in dealing with cultural challenges of disconnection from others due to technology, a focus on the material, and a desire to be in control of our lives. It can be a way to focus on the present and let go of that which is beyond our control (past and future.)

Our spiritual beliefs are relevant to our psychology, as they often shed light on our understanding of life, the purpose or meaning of our personal journey, and of death. These beliefs can largely shape and mold us into who were are and how we choose to live our lives. Some people are raised in a cultural or religious background that has influenced their adult life. As adults, some of us embrace the teachings we had growing up, while others may choose to find their own spiritual path that more closely resonates with their authentic self.

Some people may wish to explore their spirituality while in psychotherapy while some may not. This is something the therapists at Urban Balance very much respect as we each have our own personal and unique sense of spirituality and our own journey in life.

We all need others for support in different ways, to varying degrees, and at various points throughout our lives. In order to achieve a healthy, happy, balanced life, we need to have good support systems in place.  We also need to ask for the support we need, from the people in our lives who are capable of giving it.  

Sources of Support:

• Family (including extended family)

• Friends

• Our partners

• Spirituality

• Mentors, teachers or sponsors

• Healing professionals (therapists, nutritionists, personal trainers, doctors)

• Support groups or 12 step meetings

• Neighbors or community

• Organizations (professional, social, religious, charitable)

• Bosses or colleagues

• Support services (childcare provider, cleaning service, dog walkers)

We all have normal dependency needs to be known, understood, loved, and supported. It is important to make sure that your needs are being met by your support network.

Areas of Support:

• Emotional

• Social

• Health (people who support you taking care of yourself and having a healthy lifestyle)

• Career Development

• Spirituality

• Managing day-to-day responsibilities

• Financial

Exercise:

1. Write down the main areas of support that you need.

2. Write down the people in your support network.

3. Match the people in your support network to the areas of need they fulfill.

4. Assess your coverage. Are there places you are weak in support? Are there people in your support network that don't meet many or any of your needs?

Tips for Managing Your Support Network:

1. You reap what you sew. The best way to get good support is to give good support. Help when you can in the ways that you can that are meaningful and rewarding for you.

2. Make sure there is a reciprocal balance in your relationships—that you get back what you put into it. The support or positivity you receive may not be the same support exactly, but there should be balance. There may be times when you or your friend or family member may be in greater need than you or vice versa, but things should balance out over time. Otherwise, the relationship or the boundaries may need to be re-evaluated.

3. Remember, different people are able to offer different types of support. For example, you may have a friend who is a blast to hang out with but isn't the one you would turn to for deeper emotional support. Make sure you are asking for support from the people who are capable of providing it. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

4. If you realize there is somebody in your support network who is feeling toxic to you, or the relationship has become unfair or off balance, try to communicate with that person and/or shift your boundaries and expectations so the relationship feels more comfortable to you. Consider letting go of relationships that cause you to feel badly about yourself or cause you feelings of guilt or anxiety.

5. Seek additional support in your areas of need. Meet new friends through a class at the park district, volunteer work or a group through meetup.com. Find a mentor or start therapy. Seek the support you deserve.

6. Your support network will need careful management for the rest of your life. As your life changes, so will your need for support. For example, the transition to parenthood often brings about a desire to connect with other parents who can understand what you are going through. The same goes with other major transitions through life, like divorce, death of a loved one, and retirement.

Healthy people have healthy support. Seek the support you deserve.

You have probably experienced “snowballing” and never even known it. This is the term I have given to packing more and more negative thoughts onto an original fear or worry until it transforms into unmanageable anxiety. The outcome is usually an intense feeling of overwhelm or inadequacy which can lead to feeling frozen, depressed, and can even trigger a panic attack.

For example, you try on a pair of pants and they don't fit. Your mind becomes flooded with negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your body:

“Oh my God, I am fat. I look horrible. I never should have canceled the gym membership. If I had a better job, I could afford to workout. My job sucks and I have no money. I am a loser. Nobody is going to want to date me. I am going to be alone forever.”

Making a “snowball” of negative thoughts is extremely self-destructive. Thoughts are very, very powerful. Cognitive therapists believe our thoughts precede our behaviors and our emotions. Our thoughts can actually impact our future through self-fulfilling prophecy—if our belief systems and our energy is directed towards our fears, we are increasing the likelihood that those fears will become our reality. However, by consciously restructuring our thinking or our “self talk,” we can behave and feel more positively.

In therapy, I encourage clients to become aware and mindful of their self talk. Many of us have an “internal critic" or voice within our heads that judges ourselves extremely harshly. This “voice” or way of thinking is a normal response to growing up with a critical parent, the lack of positive feedback or mirroring from parents, or extremely high expectations we have adopted from parents, teachers, and religious teachings. The goal is to become aware of the presence and the negative impact of this internal critic.

The goal is to learn to detach from your internal critic and “coach” yourself through your moments of anxiety like you would for your very best friend, your child, or somebody you love. This is the way you should talk to yourself.

Going back to our example, “My pants don't fit. It's okay. I am still beautiful. I am going to find something more comfortable. It is okay, I am a human being and am dealing with a lot of stress lately with work and money. I need more support and more self care. I deserve to eat right and exercise and I will make myself a priority.”

Obviously, it takes some time to get there. When experiencing a negative thought or anxiety, consciously recognize the beginnings of snowballing and nip it in the bud. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Stop and breathe. Breathing can relax your body and trick your mind that you are relaxed.  It also helps you to stay in the present moment instead of leaping to future worries.

2. Become aware of your self talk. Are you talking to yourself like you would to your best friend?

3. Work at detaching or “unplugging” from your critic. That part may always be there, but you can choose not to listen to it. Meditate or visualize letting go of those negative beliefs.

4. Practice your own personal positive mantra. “I deserve to take good care of myself.” “Everything is exactly as it should be.”

5. Get support. Call a friend.

Therapy is a safe place to explore your self talk, internal critic, irrational belief systems, and to consciously rework them into loving and empowering messages to support you in living the life you want.

Effectively managing boundaries is an extremely important aspect of achieving balance and wellness in our lives.

We all have different comfort levels with various aspects of our relationships personally and professionally. Our natural boundary styles are affected by past experience and this should be considered normal. But sometimes your boundaries may be causing problems in your personal or professional life, and may need to be consciously redefined.

To better define what boundaries are, here is a list of common boundary types:

• Physical (our need for space versus connection)
• Sexual (with who, where, when, how, style of dress, behavior)
• Informational (how much we tell others and the rate of disclosure)
• Professional (appropriate versus inappropriate)
• Personal (balancing connection with solitude)
• Financial (what we share with others versus our need for separateness)
• Social Networking (do you connect and share with many or few)
• Time (time spent on work, alone, socially)

Again, our style of managing boundaries is shaped by our family-of-origin and past experience. For example some people may have grown up in families with poor boundaries, where family members were enmeshed, and there was poor separation or identity development. Others may have grown up in families where there was disconnection, secrecy or formality that impaired intimacy. Not all of us grew up in environments that promoted healthy self esteem, role definition, and boundary development.

Some people have experienced very traumatic boundary violations through physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The result can be great difficulty setting healthy boundaries (which is a normal response to abuse that unfortunately can cause it to be recreated,) or setting overly firm boundaries (which can make it difficult to feel safely connected and intimately close to others.)

There may be times when our boundaries may be too rigid or too loose. Both ends of the spectrum can cause problems emotionally and relationally. For example, if our boundaries are too rigid, others may have a hard time connecting with us personally and professionally, and we may experience loneliness or ineffectiveness in our workplaces. Having boundaries that are too loose can cause us to be vulnerable, which can lead to being taken advantage of or disrespected.

Healthy self esteem correlates with healthy boundaries. When our self-esteem is low, we may behave passively and have poor boundary management, which puts us at risk for becoming a "door mat," being disrespected, or having our boundaries violated. Healthy boundaries is the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior. Aggressive behavior is when we harshly set our boundaries while violating the boundaries of others. Assertive behavior is when we have good self-esteem and set boundaries in a way that is clear, appropriate, respectful and direct. Good boundaries facilitate a healthy balance between feeling safe emotionally and physically while feeling comfortably connected to others.

Good boundary management requires good judgment. Sometimes it is appropriate and necessary to respond more aggressively (for example, when your safety is in jeopardy.) Sometimes it is more appropriate and effective to be more open and vulnerable, to allow ourselves to have intimacy and meaningful connection in our lives. It is all about finding a healthy balance for ourselves. Effective boundary management requires awareness, insight, mindfulness and practice as we move through our lives.

Finally, therapy can be a safe place to assess your boundaries, develop healthy self-esteem and practice assertiveness in boundary management.

For more information on boundaries, check out the books by Henry Cloud or Anne Katherine.

It is common for us all to become so busy at some points in our lives to the point where we start finding it difficult to manage all our responsibilities at work, school, home, family, friends, and our relationships. It is easy during these periods for self care to sink to the bottom of the list of priorities. We often take care of everyone and everything else before taking care of ourselves. Then our tank is empty and we might feel exhausted, depleted, resentful, stressed or even depressed. It is extremely important for all of us to move our self care from the bottom of the list to the very top.

Some people feel that making themselves first in their lives is selfish. But the familiar “oxygen mask” analogy is a good illustration of why this is not selfish, but on the contrary, necessary to be able to provide for others in the long run. When the flight attendant tells us that in the event of an emergency we must secure our own oxygen mask before assisting others, the reason is that if we don't take care of our own needs first we will be unable to help anybody else. Taking good care of ourselves is actually the best way to be a healthy resource for our employers, families, and friends.

Your Own Best Parent

The basics of self care involve being a good “parent” to yourself. To help start this process, ask yourself these fundamental questions on core self care topics:

• Nutrition – Are you eating what you would feed your child or somebody you love very much?

• Sleep – Are you getting enough rest?

• Exercise – Are you taking care of your body and releasing stress?

• Water – Are you drinking enough water?

• Medical – Are you going to the doctor/dentist regularly?

• Money – Are you managing your money in a way that keeps you feeling safe and secure?

• Grooming – Are you taking the time to feel your best?

• Socialization – Are you connecting with people enough?

• Solitude – Are you getting enough “down” time?

• Sexual – Are you feeling safe, happy and satisfied in your sexual life?

• Work – Are you doing work that is meaningful and rewarding and are you being paid right?

• Home – Are you making your place a home that is happy, restful and pleasant for you?

• Leisure/Hobbies – Are you making time for fun and relaxation

We must also go beyond the basics of self care to really relish in self love. Self care practices do not need to cost a lot of money. Here is a list of some self care practices you could work into your lifestyle:

• Deep breathing

• Meditation

• Yoga

• Hot baths

• Making yourself your favorite tea

• Reading a book

• Gardening

• Making art

Make Sure It Really Is Self Care

Sometimes self destructive behaviors are disguised as self care. For example, people might think that because they are stressed out they “deserve” excessive drinking, smoking, drugs, compulsive shopping, gambling, and other behaviors that can be self destructive. Self care practices should promote health and wellness in your life.

Prioritize and Practice

We all have areas of self care that we are better about practicing than others. Make a conscious effort to improve in the areas you tend to neglect yourself. Nobody is perfect, we are all a work in process. Block out time in your schedule for your self care. Even if it is 20 minutes a day and build from there. Review this list once a week or month until practicing self care becomes second nature for you. Buddy up with a friend and check in on each other's self care every week or two.

Make yourself a priority and experience your life improve. If you have difficulty implementing self care practices into your life because of deep seeded belief that somehow you are not important enough to deserve this care, consider seeking the help of a professional therapist.