Is Your Relationship Balanced? Interdependency Is the Ideal

It is extremely common in my practice for people to begin individual or couples therapy because of relationship issues.  Often, these challenges are related to an imbalance in he relationship between intimacy/connection and individualism/separation.  This imbalance may be the result of issues related to communication, boundaries, self-esteem and power/control differentials. The following are examples of relationships that are not balanced or mutually beneficial.   

Enmeshed Relationship:

Couples that are enmeshed have few outside friends or relationships and spend virtually all of their free time together.  It is a set up for too much dependency and isolation from other sources of support. 

 Disconnected Relationship:

Disconnection is where there is little intimacy or shared time or experiences.  

Power Imbalance:

When there is a power imbalance, one partner has more influence and control than the other, which can be the result of self-esteem issues or in more serious cases-- physical, emotional or verbal abuse.  

Instead of these dysfunctional relationship models, the ideal should be interdependency.  

Interdependent Relationship: 

A balanced relationship is interdependent.  A partner is a whole, complete self (like a circle), and the relationship is where the two circles overlap.  The circles do not eclipse one another, which would involve one partner almost completely overtaking the other and not allowing them to have their own separate life outside of the relationship. Interdependent partners are equal (circles are the same size) and the relationship is mutually supportive.  

Therapists help individuals and couples find this healthy power balance in their relationships.  

Individual psychotherapy can be a place to: 

• Define one’s identity and sense of self
• Practice authentic and assertive self-expression
• Explore your personal boundaries and learn to set healthy limits
• Explore your relationship history with regard to intimacy, commitment, attachment, connection, etc. 

Couples counseling can help you and your partner by: 

• Addressing issues of power, control and respect in your relationship
• Defining boundaries that allow for healthy connection and separation
• Improving communication and conflict resolution skills
• Foster emotional and physical intimacy

We all can benefit from therapy and counseling in our lives--and so can our relationships!  Don't wait until you are in crisis to seek couples counseling.  A little tweak in therapy can get your relationship realigned to promote happiness and success in your life. 

To find a therapist who is right for you, visit www.urbanbalance.com (Chicago area) or www.therapists.com (outside Chicago).  

Clear Your Clutter, Clear Your Mind

Our environment is a direct reflection of our internal mental health and vice versa. So, if our home is disorganized our minds may feel scattered as well. By purging unneeded items from our homes, it is like deleting files to create disk space on your computer. Suddenly, the whole operating system is more efficient. There is less stuff to manage, tasks take less time because you know where to find things, and this decreases stress and increases your effectiveness personally and professionally. Organization promotes serenity and wellness in your life.

It is important to note that major life transitions can cause changes in your identity, lifestyle and environment. Because life transitions are stressful (even if positive), we may need to pay extra to our homes and environment to create a healthy, restful environment. If we care about ourselves, then we take pride in our homes and take the time to keep them organized.

Organization is a lifestyle that takes discipline, much like practicing proper nutrition or a healthy exercise regimen. Nobody is perfect and there is healthy balance strive towards that is somewhere between messy and compulsively clean. .

Remember, nobody is perfect. We all have some areas of our life that are disorganized, whether it is at home, the office or even our car (for me, it is my purse which is always overflowing with receipts and papers and everything but the kitchen sink). We are all works in progress and are doing the best we can do. It is about creating a lifestyle of discipline. It is a good idea to check in with yourself periodically and give your environment and your mind a good cleaning out. You may want to start small or start with one area of your house (many organization experts suggest starting with your bedroom and closet because that is where you start each day). Also, consider getting the support of a personal organizer or a therapist can help you achieve and maintain good organization, balance and wellness in your life.  

If you have a mental health issue, such as Attention Defecit Disorder, depression or anxiety that is affecting your ability to keep your home organized, consider seeking the help of a therapist.  If you are in the Chicago area, visit www.urbanbalance.com.  Outside Chicago, please visit www.therapists.com.  

Empathy: The Magic Relationship Tool

Empathy is perhaps the single most important relational skill. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and understand how they might be feeling in a given situation. The ability to listen empathetically - relating to and understanding the perspective, position and feelings of others - is a tremendously important capability.

We don't need to have had the exact same experience or scenario in life to empathize with somebody else. As human beings, we all experience similar feelings of joy, sadness, loss, love, fear, loneliness, pride, shame, guilt, relief, and elation. If we listen in a way that allows us to relate to that common feeling or human experience, we can improve our connections and shared understandings with others.

Empathy does not involve judgment, criticism or opinion. Somebody's feelings may be connected to other past experience, which can cause a larger emotional response that the situation may warrant but feelings are never "wrong." They are a normal response to whatever people have been through and are going through. We can not change or control other people's feelings. But we can help them work through their feelings by letting them experience being heard and validating their emotional responses.

The ability to verbalize our empathic understanding of others can be extremely powerful. It allows the people in our lives to feel heard, known, understood and connected to us. It can diffuse conflict as once people feel heard, they may not feel the need to become defensive or "up the ante" to get their message across.

As part of the human condition, we can all become self-absorbed at times and tend to look at things from our own perspective. Consciously stepping outside of ourselves and putting ourselves in the experiences of others (similar to identifying with a character in a movie) can increase our consciousness, awareness, perspective, and allow us to grow, learn, and develop.

Some people with narcissistic tendencies may have a very limited ability to be empathic. Some people can be so empathic that they overly identify with others and forget to check in with their own feelings and emotional state. We all can work towards a healthy balance of being aware of ourselves and simultaneously empathetically attuned with others. Therapy can also help people achieve this balance.

Mindfully practicing empathy in our relationships with our partners, children, families, colleagues, and strangers can deepen our relationships and improve our lives.

Sex: An Important Part of Wellness

American culture, especially as portrayed by the media, places particular emphasis on the physical aspects of sex. Human beings, however, comprise mind, body and spirit – and human sexuality frequently incorporates all three aspects of being simultaneously. Sex is an intensely personal and intimate part of life and relationships, and sexuality is a significant part of one's emotional health and a sense of connectedness to others.

For many of us, our sexual development has been influenced by culture, religion, family, and past experience. For some, these influences may have been positive, but for others the experiences may have been traumatic or abusive. Our past emotional and relational experiences influence our sexual decisions, experiences, fantasies, function/dysfunction, preferences, and feelings. Part of human nature is to recreate what is familiar to us. This can happen with regard to our sexual lives as well.

Sex frequently involves feelings about:

• our bodies (positive or negative)
• either empowerment or disempowerment
• our sense of safety or feeling unsafe or at risk
• our sense of connection or disconnection with others (emotionally, physically, spiritually)

Self-esteem, identity, confidence, boundaries, and attachment issues all impact our sex lives.

A normal, important part of life, sex is often difficult to talk openly about with others, even with our partners. Especially for those who have been abused, sex can sometimes come with feelings of shame, guilt or anxiety. Sex can also be highly charged emotional issues for individuals – consider fetishes, obsessions, addiction to pornography, as well as confronting body image issues. For couples, common sexual issues are a lack of physical intimacy, or differences in partner needs or feelings.

Again, there is significant mind/body connection when it comes to sex – for example, the body might shut down when the mind does not feel safe. All people and all relationships can have sexual issues at different points in time. It is a normal part of the human condition.

Finally, sex can be very complicated, but also can be very natural and simple. If you or your partner are experiencing sexual issues, consider therapy. It is a brave step, but one that can lead to healing, empowerment, and connection. UB therapists are open and understanding, as well as experienced around issues of sexuality with both couples and individuals. UB Counseling offices are a safe and confidential place to explore these normal, human issues.

Practice Gratitude to Promote Positive Thinking

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”~Epictetus We live in a consumer based, material society that bombards us with messages that what we have is never enough.  We are flooded with messages in the media that we need to purchase products and services in order to attain ideal beauty, a luxurious lifestyle and subsequent love and happiness.  We are trained to believe we are somehow never enough nor do we have enough, which drives us to purchase and consume the material.  This emphasis on what we don’t have can lead us to feel inadequate, inferior and even lower our self-esteem and exacerbate depression and negative thinking. Negative thinking is a downward spiral that can attract all forms of negativity in our lives through self-fulfilling prophecy.  For example, let’s say somebody believes her home is not adequate to entertain until they have a nicer television and furniture.  Essentially, this means she feels unlovable unless she has this stuff.  She doesn’t invite people over because she is ashamed that she doesn’t have what she thinks she is supposed to have.  Therefore, she doesn’t nurture her friendships in this manner and the friendships start to fade.  The belief that she is unlovable is then reinforced through self-fulfilling prophecy. A very powerful way to alleviate negative thinking is to consciously practice gratitude.  Instead of looking at what we don’t have, what we need, or what we want, we focus on what we have in a way that is mindful and thankful.  This shift in thinking can cause us to see “the glass half full” rather than “the glass half empty”.  It can help us to focus on the good parts of things, rather than the bad.  This focus on gratitude can cause a profound shift in our lives toward the positive. There has been a lot of literature in recent years on the “laws of attraction”.  The idea being that our thoughts and beliefs attract people and situations into our lives.  Some believe that by practicing gratitude, we will shift our energy to be more positive and therefore attract more positive opportunities into our lives.  Like attracts like.  We all enjoy being around others who are positive and we can feed off that energy exponentially. A woman who was having very serious marital problems recently went to volunteer in a 3rd world country.  When she came back she said, “I have no problems”.  The experience of being of service and giving to those without shifted her to a perspective of gratitude.  She had a new appreciation for all of her blessings in life and her marital challenges were seen in a more clear perspective. Perhaps all of us can call to mind somebody in our lives or in history who has survived great hardship or adversity but who demonstrates tremendous appreciation for being alive or for blessings many of us take for granted.  Sometimes we all get so caught up in the gerbil wheels of our lives that our focus can become quite self-centered and small.  Some you can not have ego and gratitude at the same time.  Practicing gratitude can be a way of consciously changing and widening your perspective to one of thanks and appreciation for all that you have.  This can be done during mediation, during prayer, or by using a gratitude journal. Learn more about the power of gratitude at: www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Power-of-Gratitude -. How to keep a Gratitude Journal:  http://www.serenejourney.com/2009/03/gratitude-journal-30-days-to-happiness/ Gratitude Journal phone application:  http://happytapper.com/gratitude-journal/ Gratitude mediation: http://www.lestout.com/video/religion-spirituality/spiritual-journeys/gratitude-meditation-deepak-chopra.html.